Questions and answers for GE13
If you are as blind as a mole, or as innocent as a new born lamb, the following GE13 quiz should help you select the party to govern Malaysia.
1. What makes a good politician?
a) The person who admits that only hard work, education and a set of values are critical.
b) The generous person who gives me RM500, a bag of rice and some Milo.
c) The one who values my Standard Five schooling by awarding me with multi-million ringgit contracts.
2. Who should a politician fear most?
a) The rakyat.
b) God
c) His wife
3. The prime minister delays calling GE13. What is your reaction?
a) You breathe a sigh of relief; your party needs extra preparation.
b) He is calling in favours from his cronies, but he can’t find them. They have gone into hiding.
c) His family needs extra time to cover the traces of illicit outflows to offshore accounts.
4. What duties should the aide to a divisional party-head perform?
a) Seek feedback from the electorate to see what the community needs.
b) Attend to his boss 24-7.
c) Book hotel rooms in the aide’s name so his boss and mistress can enjoy a tryst.
5. The life of a prime minister is stressful. How should he relax?
a) I didn’t think he had time to relax.
b) Counting money is therapeutic. He could allocate money from the public purse for himself and his cronies, but leave a little for public projects.
c) Keep his spouse happy and occupy her with rings and handbags costing millions of ringgits. The alternative is to suffer her nagging and rages
6. If you are the prime minister, what would you like your legacy to be?
a) Good governance and justice.
b) A skyscraper which is higher than the previous PM’s.
c) A skyscraper, private jet, billions in overseas accounts and your image on every can of soft-drink.
7. What is your understanding of BR1M or BN?
a) BR1M is an acronym for ‘Bankrupt Rakyat 1Malaysia’. BN is an analogy for ‘Bankrupt Nation’.
b) The RM500 payment is for BN to buy the rakyat’s affection
c) BN politicians work hard and are entitled to RM500 million in their back-pockets, from commissions.
8. You are interested in politics and would like to help a party. What could you do?
a) Be a grassroots helper and volunteer your services, even if it means disrupting your social life and weekends.
b) Be creative: Cry ‘sodomy’, concoct a story for public consumption, and haggle over the amount of money you should be paid.
c) Make sex videos because members of your party love smut whilst helpers who are more active, can cause havoc at rival rallies.
9. How could you motivate the people in the Navy?
a) Improve staff housing, provide quality education for navy children, investigate the increase in equipment failures, question the dodgy contracts and the wastage in the services, prevent former staff from becoming arms dealers once they are retire or resign.
b) Indulge the politicians’ whims for “boys-toys”, by purchasing foreign-made submarines, then the principals can go to Paris for business and pleasure.
c) Instruct the navy that their new targets are not foreign invaders, but people who bring up the topic of the “Scorpene” submarines.
10. You are a politician and your son (or daughter) is getting engaged. What should you do?
a) Nothing. This is a private family matter.
b) Invite the whole city and charge the cost of the wedding, like tents, catering, crowd-control and entertainment, to the city-council.
c) You have vision and realise that a groom from overseas will provide you with a convenient bolt-hole. You arrange a trade delegation to the country where your in-laws live and where coincidentally, the engagement ceremony will be held. You do not bring any government officials but load the plane with family and friends but tell them they must do one hour’s work distributing “Visit Malaysia” brochures, just in case the tiresome Opposition politicians question this abuse of your power.
11. How do you ensure the public’s never-ending dependence on your party?
a) Make and execute policies that will benefit all sections of society, regardless of race, religion or creed.
b) Provide the masses with mediocre schools and teachers, to produce generations of robots. Every year, lower the pass mark so that the schools will continue to win awards and the students will be convinced that they are geniuses. If private companies refuse to employ these graduates, an over expanding civil service can absorb them.
c) If all else fails, BR1M buys time.
12. How will you counter serious allegations by your political rival?
a) Bring the allegations up in parliament and let him respond.
b) Just keep your mouth shut and walk out of a press conference, if journalists ask pressing questions. Never agree to a debate. All your statements come from foreign media consultants and they charge by the word, in USD.
c) Use distraction. Get the public relations department to produce grainy sex videos of your political rivals. At the same time involve the mainstream media to sex-up the story.
13. How do you silence your rivals?
a) You request a debate and let the public decide.
b) You apply draconian laws to lock them up.
c) You employ thugs or Mat Rempits who are a convenient rent-a-thug squad.
14. What should a PM do, when he retires?
a) Spend time with family, perform charitable works and write his memoirs.
b) Groom his children to take over, but in the meantime, he will do all the public-speaking and decision making.
c) A PM never retires but will rule by proxy.
How did you vote? Can people easily pull the wool over your eyes?
Mainly As: Congratulations. You are not blind to corruption and injustice. Your wisdom will ensure Malaysia is a safe haven for your children and grandchildren.
Mainly Bs: Perhaps another five years of increased prices and rampant crime might make you think again in the next GE.
Mainly Cs: Oh dear! You are not just long-suffering, but you are a pitiful creature who lives in denial. Did you truly believe that RM500 is a princely sum? How long will the money last? After paying your Astro subscription and a month’s toll charges, you are back to square one. After 56 years of empty promises, you have a chance this Sunday 5th May to finally improve living conditions for yourself and your family. Drastic action is needed.
Mariam Mokhtar is a FMT columnist.
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